I missed fashion week?  I thought I smelled eating disorders in the air.  I thought it was just a coincidence that I felt an urge this morning to throw up the bagel I had just eaten.  You can’t deny the energy in the air. I missed out on the entire week and now I don’t even know how I’m going to buy clothing that a sane person would never wear.  Where do you find crazy clothing stores that sell the clothing you see at a fashion show?  Does the GAP have a special backroom or something?  Is there a secret password to get in? I guess I’ll have to wait until next year until I can yet again forget about creepy skinny people wearing even creepier clothing.

I missed fashion week? 

I thought I smelled eating disorders in the air.  I thought it was just a coincidence that I felt an urge this morning to throw up the bagel I had just eaten.  You can’t deny the energy in the air.

I missed out on the entire week and now I don’t even know how I’m going to buy clothing that a sane person would never wear.  Where do you find crazy clothing stores that sell the clothing you see at a fashion show?  Does the GAP have a special backroom or something?  Is there a secret password to get in?

I guess I’ll have to wait until next year until I can yet again forget about creepy skinny people wearing even creepier clothing.

Dear God, It’s a scene out of Terminator.  I’m thinking of the one where the machine that looks like a human comes into the human base camp and starts lighting people up.  Well, they’ve finally made a computer that knows more useless knowledge than our most useless human.  Like many other people, I thought Ken Jennings was going to be my John Connor.  Apparently we need a new, nay, the real Ken Jennings to come and save the day. I say there’s only one answer.  Terminator 2 anyone?  We need to go and destroy this Watson machine and every bit of research that’s gone into creating it.  Oh yeah, we have to kill the man who invented the machine as well.  If he wants to kill himself while blowing up all of his research that would also be acceptable. We should get on this before all my posts look like this:  0011001010101011001011

Dear God,

It’s a scene out of Terminator.  I’m thinking of the one where the machine that looks like a human comes into the human base camp and starts lighting people up.  Well, they’ve finally made a computer that knows more useless knowledge than our most useless human. 

Like many other people, I thought Ken Jennings was going to be my John Connor.  Apparently we need a new, nay, the real Ken Jennings to come and save the day.

I say there’s only one answer.  Terminator 2 anyone?  We need to go and destroy this Watson machine and every bit of research that’s gone into creating it.  Oh yeah, we have to kill the man who invented the machine as well.  If he wants to kill himself while blowing up all of his research that would also be acceptable.

We should get on this before all my posts look like this:  0011001010101011001011

Hey Egypt, Nice try on having a really cool revolution, but you’re 235 years late.  The United States did it already.  And we didn’t use Facebook.   We would have killed to have the tools to organize massive protests.  Instead, we killed to organize massive representation.  Eat it England! Sure, your protests were cool and all.  It’s just that there was no tea thrown into any harbors.  You guys are new to this, but you’ll find you get rather parched after a heavy day of revolutioning.  Oh, one last word of advice.  Abolish slavery from the start.  It’ll only come to bite you in the ass in around 100 years if you don’t nip it in the bud right now. Enjoy freedom.  Now you can get started finding creative new ways to crush the dreams of future generations.

Hey Egypt,

Nice try on having a really cool revolution, but you’re 235 years late.  The United States did it already.  And we didn’t use Facebook.  

We would have killed to have the tools to organize massive protests.  Instead, we killed to organize massive representation.  Eat it England!

Sure, your protests were cool and all.  It’s just that there was no tea thrown into any harbors.  You guys are new to this, but you’ll find you get rather parched after a heavy day of revolutioning. 

Oh, one last word of advice.  Abolish slavery from the start.  It’ll only come to bite you in the ass in around 100 years if you don’t nip it in the bud right now.

Enjoy freedom.  Now you can get started finding creative new ways to crush the dreams of future generations.

Finally the day has come.  I’m allowed to exchange the rock I keep in my pocket for an iphone.  Verizon and Apple have seen fit to bond together in a harmonious coupling.  Like sweet and sour to patched kids, cheese to any edible object, this union of Verizon and the iphone is among history’s greatest.  I won’t list all of the things I would do to rid myself of this horrible Storm, only to say that some things are illegal in this fair country. How I despise the Storm.  What an awful, treacherous phone.  I would gladly punch an old lady if it meant trading in my storm.  But, I don’t have to do that anymore.  Unless of course, I want to for fun. If I do, I’ll be sure to take a picture of it with a phone that has that capability.

Finally the day has come.  I’m allowed to exchange the rock I keep in my pocket for an iphone.  Verizon and Apple have seen fit to bond together in a harmonious coupling. 

Like sweet and sour to patched kids, cheese to any edible object, this union of Verizon and the iphone is among history’s greatest.  I won’t list all of the things I would do to rid myself of this horrible Storm, only to say that some things are illegal in this fair country.

How I despise the Storm.  What an awful, treacherous phone.  I would gladly punch an old lady if it meant trading in my storm.  But, I don’t have to do that anymore.  Unless of course, I want to for fun.

If I do, I’ll be sure to take a picture of it with a phone that has that capability.

Can being Catholic get any better?  Finally, you folks can confess to your phone.  Now I’ve been doing this for years already.  But, it’s just me talking into my phone.  Catholics finally legitimized it.  Well played Christ lovers, well played. It answers the age old question of “when the Pope needs to confess, who does he go to?”  Well, I’m sure he’s catching up on old times.  If he doesn’t want to bother God, by telling him his problems, now the Pope finally has someone to talk to.  Well, a thing to talk to anyway.  The rest of us get our daily interactions through TV and computers, why can’t the Pope? As soon as I get my hands on a phone that actually allows me to have apps, I’m going to pick this one up.  It must be free right?  It’d be a sin to charge for something like that.  Then who would the app go to for absolution? Either way, I’m pretty happy we can all start to feel better about the horrible things we do.

Can being Catholic get any better?  Finally, you folks can confess to your phone. 

Now I’ve been doing this for years already.  But, it’s just me talking into my phone.  Catholics finally legitimized it.  Well played Christ lovers, well played.

It answers the age old question of “when the Pope needs to confess, who does he go to?”  Well, I’m sure he’s catching up on old times.  If he doesn’t want to bother God, by telling him his problems, now the Pope finally has someone to talk to.  Well, a thing to talk to anyway.  The rest of us get our daily interactions through TV and computers, why can’t the Pope?

As soon as I get my hands on a phone that actually allows me to have apps, I’m going to pick this one up.  It must be free right?  It’d be a sin to charge for something like that.  Then who would the app go to for absolution?

Either way, I’m pretty happy we can all start to feel better about the horrible things we do.

I’d love to know the amount of calories I consumed last night for the Superbowl.  I’m confident the number would insult both the average citizen as well as starving African children. I’m the Oskar Schindler of the Superbowl.  Not in the fact that I’ve saved a number of lives.  More so in the fact that I’m regretting not having done more.  Or really, anything at all.  It was worth it though.  Eating until my body hurt brought with it a sense of achievement.  And I’ll take that whenever I can get my hands on it. So here’s to chip dip, pizza, beer, chicken wings, and starving people who provide a standard with which I can measure my depravity.

I’d love to know the amount of calories I consumed last night for the Superbowl.  I’m confident the number would insult both the average citizen as well as starving African children.

I’m the Oskar Schindler of the Superbowl.  Not in the fact that I’ve saved a number of lives.  More so in the fact that I’m regretting not having done more.  Or really, anything at all. 

It was worth it though.  Eating until my body hurt brought with it a sense of achievement.  And I’ll take that whenever I can get my hands on it.

So here’s to chip dip, pizza, beer, chicken wings, and starving people who provide a standard with which I can measure my depravity.

I’ve made a huge mistake. My helper monkey hasn’t come back home yet.  Due to recent inclement weather here in NYC, I’ve decided to send my helper monkey out for errands rather than risk going outside myself.  Well, don’t I look like an ass.  Portmond hasn’t returned since I sent him out for white cheddar popcorn yesterday.  Now, some of you out there may think I’m a monster.  But, let me just say that I’ve tried to put together a rescue team.  It’s just that my parakeet Desmond and my baby ostrich Lenny can’t handle the cold. So, what am I supposed to do?  Can you Fresh Direct white cheddar popcorn?

I’ve made a huge mistake.

My helper monkey hasn’t come back home yet.  Due to recent inclement weather here in NYC, I’ve decided to send my helper monkey out for errands rather than risk going outside myself.  Well, don’t I look like an ass.  Portmond hasn’t returned since I sent him out for white cheddar popcorn yesterday. 

Now, some of you out there may think I’m a monster.  But, let me just say that I’ve tried to put together a rescue team.  It’s just that my parakeet Desmond and my baby ostrich Lenny can’t handle the cold.

So, what am I supposed to do?  Can you Fresh Direct white cheddar popcorn?

What the fuck! We’re way over my quota for thinking about Egypt so far this year.  Usually I’m allotted a couple of “The Nile, denial” jokes, but this is insane. There’s more coverage of Egypt on the news then the normal coverage of kidnapped white girls I don’t care about.  At this point, I’d kill for a story about well…someone getting killed.  I’d even take a nice feel-good-piece about how pets look so adorable jumping around in all this snow! Can’t Egypt get its act together so I can get back to worrying about inane, and inconsequential things?

What the fuck!

We’re way over my quota for thinking about Egypt so far this year.  Usually I’m allotted a couple of “The Nile, denial” jokes, but this is insane.

There’s more coverage of Egypt on the news then the normal coverage of kidnapped white girls I don’t care about.  At this point, I’d kill for a story about well…someone getting killed.  I’d even take a nice feel-good-piece about how pets look so adorable jumping around in all this snow!

Can’t Egypt get its act together so I can get back to worrying about inane, and inconsequential things?

These are posters the MTA has put up in regards to the improvements on the subway they’ve been making. 

I can’t help but feel that they describe my life all too well.

There only needs to be a dash between the “v” and the “i” in “improving.”

That’s really all there is to say about that. 

I was going to write a nostalgic post about my childhood and having a container for our Velveeta. But, then I googled Velveeta and this picture came up.  And thusly the marriage of two of my favorite things (cheese and naked woman sprawled out on cheese) began.  I know what you’re saying.  That list of your two favorite things sounds like you really just like one thing.  To which I would respond, “I like cheese.” Velveeta never looked this good growing up or I would have eaten more of it. And to be honest, I’m sure glad my mom never dressed like this when she made me mac and cheese.  I’d like to know what year this advertising campaign got passed?  And then what year they decided putting a naked woman on their cheese was a bad idea and so stopped doing it.  I’ve never seen “Mad Men” but I imagine this was one of their first products to advertise. So let me make it my personal goal to get the naked lady back on boxes of Velveeta.  Or, at the very least get my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich…fully clothed, of course.  

I was going to write a nostalgic post about my childhood and having a container for our Velveeta.

But, then I googled Velveeta and this picture came up.  And thusly the marriage of two of my favorite things (cheese and naked woman sprawled out on cheese) began.  I know what you’re saying.  That list of your two favorite things sounds like you really just like one thing.  To which I would respond, “I like cheese.”

Velveeta never looked this good growing up or I would have eaten more of it. And to be honest, I’m sure glad my mom never dressed like this when she made me mac and cheese. 

I’d like to know what year this advertising campaign got passed?  And then what year they decided putting a naked woman on their cheese was a bad idea and so stopped doing it.  I’ve never seen “Mad Men” but I imagine this was one of their first products to advertise.

So let me make it my personal goal to get the naked lady back on boxes of Velveeta.  Or, at the very least get my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich…fully clothed, of course.  

This movie holds up. Flight of the Navigator doesn’t hold up.  As much as I want that movie to be as special as it was in my childhood, it just doesn’t cut it.  In Time Cop, Jean-Claude Van Damme gives one of the best performances of his career, equaling that of the heart pounding Bloodsport, and even the double impacted acting of Double Impact. That says a lot for a movie that takes place in the future, which happens to be the year 2004.  Granted, there are slight discrepancies in their version of the future compared to the actual future (i.e. time travel existing), but those worries fly right out the window when you realize Van Damme can do some pretty sweet martial arts stuff. I won’t give away the ending, only to say that it’s apparently beneficial to have kick ass karate skills no matter what period of time you travel to. So next time you need a date movie, or you’re just plain old bored, pick up a classic.  And then set it down and go rent Time Cop.

This movie holds up.

Flight of the Navigator doesn’t hold up.  As much as I want that movie to be as special as it was in my childhood, it just doesn’t cut it. 

In Time Cop, Jean-Claude Van Damme gives one of the best performances of his career, equaling that of the heart pounding Bloodsport, and even the double impacted acting of Double Impact.

That says a lot for a movie that takes place in the future, which happens to be the year 2004.  Granted, there are slight discrepancies in their version of the future compared to the actual future (i.e. time travel existing), but those worries fly right out the window when you realize Van Damme can do some pretty sweet martial arts stuff.

I won’t give away the ending, only to say that it’s apparently beneficial to have kick ass karate skills no matter what period of time you travel to.

So next time you need a date movie, or you’re just plain old bored, pick up a classic.  And then set it down and go rent Time Cop.

In an attempt to be absolutely irresistable towards women, I’ve been reading “Eat, Pray, Love” on the subway for the last 14 months. Actually, I’m not really reading.  Shhh…don’t tell.  I’ve just got the book jacket around the book I’m actually pretending to read on the subway to look smarter. That’s correct.  The book that I’m hiding under the “Eat, Pray, Love” jacket isn’t getting read either.  But, I see all these intelligent looking people faking reading on the subway all the time, so I figured I better get down on it.  And boy, are they faking it!  They fake a new book ever week or two.  It’s obnoxious. I commute with generally the same people most days, which has me a bit worried, because they’ve been seeing me “reading” the same book for over a year now.  They probably think I’m mentally retarded.  Which is ironic, because I thought this whole thing up in the first place so I wouldn’t look dumb doing what I want to do on the subway to begin with.  Eat soup from a bowl without a spoon and talk to the invisible reincarnation of President Harry Hayes (the top half of President Harry Truman, and the lower half of Rutherford B. Hayes). What are you gonna do?  Keep fake reading, I guess. View high resolution

In an attempt to be absolutely irresistable towards women, I’ve been reading “Eat, Pray, Love” on the subway for the last 14 months.

Actually, I’m not really reading.  Shhh…don’t tell.  I’ve just got the book jacket around the book I’m actually pretending to read on the subway to look smarter. That’s correct.  The book that I’m hiding under the “Eat, Pray, Love” jacket isn’t getting read either.  But, I see all these intelligent looking people faking reading on the subway all the time, so I figured I better get down on it.  And boy, are they faking it!  They fake a new book ever week or two.  It’s obnoxious.

I commute with generally the same people most days, which has me a bit worried, because they’ve been seeing me “reading” the same book for over a year now.  They probably think I’m mentally retarded. 

Which is ironic, because I thought this whole thing up in the first place so I wouldn’t look dumb doing what I want to do on the subway to begin with.  Eat soup from a bowl without a spoon and talk to the invisible reincarnation of President Harry Hayes (the top half of President Harry Truman, and the lower half of Rutherford B. Hayes).

What are you gonna do?  Keep fake reading, I guess.

It’s been so long.  The holidays can get crazy right?  It’s just so hard to keep up blogging when you’re glued to the Christmas tree, and staring at the New Years ball.  But, I’m back now.  I’ll try and be better.

This is the left over falafel that Sean left in my fridge after the New Years Eve weekend.

I took the second photo just so I could get some perspective in there.  Let me take a moment to let you know, my fingers are not giant sized.  They are average size.  What this means is that Sean left less than two bites of his falafel sandwich in my fridge. 

I’m trying to think of things that small that I would have liked less in my fridge, but it’s hard to do.  That amount of cheese would have made my day.  Two grapes would have been delicious.  Just a tiny ball of aluminum foil would have intrigued me more than the falafel. 

Either way, I’ve decided to keep the falafel for the next time Sean visits.  I’m guessing it will grow by next time.  I’m hoping mold blends in with the green of the falafel.

Sean, you can find it next to the half a sesame seed I’ve got, which is sitting next to the flake of baking soda I use to deodorize my fridge. 

Oh my,

I narrowly escaped the NYC blizzard alive.  Updating this blog sustained me in my time of need. 

I had to walk home from the Bergen Street G stop, because it wasn’t running any further.  The “G” therefore clinched my vote for worst subway train in existence.

During my trek home, I kept thinking about the movie “Alive” and what they did to survive.  And then I remembered they ate people.  Yucky.  I got home safe and sound, and only tried unsuccessfully to eat a dog and a baby along the way.

Google maps tell me my trek took 1.9 miles, and in that weather I’m pretty sure I went through a lot more than those chump rugby players in the Andes.

What else you got weather?

These are my broken dreams. Six numbers that could have been. I had planned on winning the Mega Millions lotto jackpot with a dollar I found on the ground.  In fact, I have a confession to make.  I happen to have spent a considerable amount of the money already. So, in the near future I will be trying to auction off some items that I’m unable to offord anymore. If anyone’s interested in a Dodo bird suit, made from an actual Dodo bird (now they really are extinct), give me your best offer. Not winning millions isn’t the worst thing in the world.  Fortunately, this allows me to stay in touch with the common man.  Ooh, by the way, I’ll be auctioning off a common man that I seem to have purchased in my shopping spree.  Please know, I’m not endorsing slavery here.  My person was just for viewing, I would never have forced them to work for me. I guess I just have to move on with normal life.  So, if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to making an omelet with a Faberge egg, which I’ll be feeding to my bald eagle-polar bear hybrid.

These are my broken dreams.

Six numbers that could have been.

I had planned on winning the Mega Millions lotto jackpot with a dollar I found on the ground.  In fact, I have a confession to make.  I happen to have spent a considerable amount of the money already.

So, in the near future I will be trying to auction off some items that I’m unable to offord anymore. If anyone’s interested in a Dodo bird suit, made from an actual Dodo bird (now they really are extinct), give me your best offer.

Not winning millions isn’t the worst thing in the world.  Fortunately, this allows me to stay in touch with the common man.  Ooh, by the way, I’ll be auctioning off a common man that I seem to have purchased in my shopping spree.  Please know, I’m not endorsing slavery here.  My person was just for viewing, I would never have forced them to work for me.

I guess I just have to move on with normal life.  So, if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to making an omelet with a Faberge egg, which I’ll be feeding to my bald eagle-polar bear hybrid.